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Perhaps you have always been told or you read it up somewhere that if you want to conceive and have a baby, you should put energy into having the same quality of intense, uninhibited and satisfying  sex that you were having during your early days as a couple.

A medical doctor might even have told you that if you take time and effort to ensure that you both have a satisfying sexual experience each time you have intercourse you are actually boosting your chances of producing a baby. It is all true. Rule of thumb is that, infertility or no infertility, the sex should be as thrilling as it was when you first met and you were not thinking about babies.

However, it is not a wild expectation that the better the quality of love-making, the greater your chances of conception, we know from experience that this is a lot easier said than done, as It is not unusual that when you are trying to have a baby, the sex often becomes a bit of a chore and routine.

Trying to conceive can often start out fun because it encourages sexual intercourse, but infertility is not fun because it discourages it. While infertility often brings increased depression, anxiety and negative self -esteem, few couples readily open up willingly about how it impacts their sex life. It has to be forced out of them. It is as if, once infertile, if you want to get pregnant, you can no longer stay in the privacy of your bedroom, and reproduction becomes sterile and clinical.

Essentially, what is supposed to be an intimate and private experience between you and your spouse in the privacy of your bedroom, becomes a public spectacle that involves a crowd of doctors, nurses, embryologists, and genetic counselors in the infertility clinic. The intimacy of procreation that you and your spouse should share is now shared publicly with many people.

During infertility treatment, there is the possibility that all spontaneity is taken out of sex, and you are told when you can and cannot have sex. Sex was that was once a time for you as a couple to connect and blissfully escape from the troubles around you has now become a painful reminder of the very troubles within.

The challenges that infertility can bring in the bedroom could be hard to cope with but you do not have to lose your sexual identity during infertility. You and your spouse are sexual beings and should not trade your sexuality for your fertility.

So how do you get through infertility and find a connection to your sexuality and your partner while going through infertility treatment?  There are some ways around this challenge. You can start by not waiting to address sex until after you have resolved your infertility.  The idea of waiting till after you get pregnant and have completed your family before you plan on working on improving your sex life never works. While your sex life may be different during infertility, it does not have to be nonexistent or unsatisfying.

Consider having sex outside of your “normal” or regimented fertile times to take the pressure off conception.  Avoid only having sex on a schedule. Try to separate sex from conception even when you have started infertility treatment. Make sex essential for pleasure and connection.
Sex on demand is often stressful for men and could impact performance. As a woman, do not think of him as a sperm machine, and you the man do not think of her simply as an egg incubator.  Sex isn’t just a means to an end.

When a man is fully stimulated because he is enjoying regular and stimulating sex, he will ejaculate up to 50 percent more, boosting the formation of more healthy sperm. It is not unusual that extra sexual activity before ejaculation produces additional sperm.

Look at it this way: the better the sex, the better the chances of conception. As a couple, you need to realize that the more sexually excited the man is, the more stimulated he will be and the greater the chances that he is going to ejaculate more and healthier sperm.

For you the woman, having more orgasms is not just more pleasure but enhanced fertility. When you experience orgasm, the intensity of muscular contractions in your body helps pull up the sperm into your cervix and into the uterus.

When you are familiar with common challenges couples face with sex and infertility, it is easy to understand why the issue of sexual intercourse cannot be relegated. Sex is such a private topic so many people don’t want to talk about it, but infertility could adversely impact sex. It is helpful to know that you are not alone in this. It is helpful to educate yourself on what other aspects of your lives might be impacted.

Increasing sensuality and spirituality in your relationship helps on the long run.  Consider attending a couple’s retreat or spending a weekend at a romantic destination. Take sex off of the table if you are not ready. Cuddle, massage, and hold hands. Take the pressure off intercourse by expanding your sexual relationship to increased foreplay, erotic touch, etc. Let go of expectations. There is no right number of times for you to have sex as a couple, and there is no right or wrong way either. Open yourselves to sexually connecting in new ways as your relationship evolves.

A sex therapist can help where there are sexually-related problems. It is important to address all aspects of infertility. Several couples are only willing to treat the medical side of infertility, but therapists that specialize in infertility, sex, and couples therapy could help guide and support you through the isolation and despair that infertility can bring. You could fare much better in your relationship during your fertility treatment after years of grueling infertility with no psychosocial support.

While infertility can be quite traumatic, it can also offer an opportunity for you as a couple. Since infertility is often the first crisis a couple faces together, how you react and respond during the crisis can set a tone for the future.

While it may be hard to share your deepest and most vulnerable fears of inadequacy and failure, the fact is that if you can move toward sharing these fears in meaningful ways, it could actually strengthen the bond in the long run. Nothing connects you as a couple more than feeling wanted and understood during the dark times. When there is a secure bond between you and your spouse, a new and even more connected sexual connection could emerge.

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